John Mark and I just celebrated our first
6 months of marriage on Saturday! What an eventful 6 months it has been.
Growing up, I never really thought of the realities of life after the big
wedding day. Sure, I thought about kids, a house, vacations, dream jobs... but
until our premarital counseling, I
never really took the time to prepare myself for the other side of marriage
including: spiritual oneness, difficult conversations, making friends, sharing
finances, good and bad emotions, arguments, cooking (the list could go on). And
after we were married, these topics became a reality. I will be honest; our first 6 months were full of extreme highs and lows. We
celebrated our first Christmas married (with our families), we moved into
our apartment (in the middle of a blizzard), we went on our dream honeymoon to
Europe, we had our first Valentines together (we were long distant
before), we went to Buffalo to see where I grew up, and we've taken some
great weekend getaways.
But in retrospect, we were carrying a heavy burden all along. On
May 9th, we were prepared to start from scratch. I have to start at
where it all began. The day I was to return home from my internship in Cambodia
last summer, JM Skyped me to tell me that he was being Court Martialed. It
was a complete shock to both of us, but the reality was that I had no idea what it all meant. We thought
it would be something that would be over in a few months but it took just under
10—all this while planning our wedding.
A few times I thought I was going to have to postpone it. We told our immediate
families, our pastor and close friends, but other than that, we tried to
tip-toe around the situation. JM could have been in a lot of trouble or just
have gotten a “slap on the wrist” so to speak, but we didn’t know the outcome until
it all went to court.
All along, I thought I forgave JM, but it wasn’t until a week
before his court date that I honestly and wholly was able to forgive him for everything.
I carried a lot of anger against him for making me struggle through his consequences. But all along I am
realizing that this is what marriage is about. We are here to go through
these times together; to carry each other’s burdens and to push one another
closer to God. I feel like a lot of this burden was secretly pulling me
further away from JM. I started having trust issues and still held on to my
bitterness and anger toward him.
Our first few months
of marriage included weekly meetings with our lawyers and plea agreements with the
Prosecuting Attorney. If any of you know military terms, the charges against JM
should have been reviewed at a Captain’s Mast 2 years ago when the “incident”
happened. But for over a year, the prosecution was trying to build a huge case
against JM and several of his shipmates for such “incidents” that happen all
throughout the military but are clearly against the UCMJ. In no regards am I
saying JM should not have gotten in trouble, but I believe that there needs to be
a closer eye on these issues and they should be dealt with as they happen. So
often the military ignores that they are issues or they are
told to be prepared for such “incidents” as they happen because then you will
be accepted and no longer a target.
From August of 2010 to May of 2011, we
were prepared several times to go to court then something would change and the
date would be pushed back. In late January, we decided to hire a civilian
lawyer with over 40 years of experience in both military and civilian court
along with JM’s JAG lawyers to help us in this case. We experienced a
completely new perspective from our civilian lawyer (a more pessimistic angle
different from our extremely optimistic JAG defense). This is when I started to
grasp the true reality of our situation. We learned to prepare ourselves for
the worst-case scenario: JM with 6 months in the Brig, a Bad Conduct Discharge
and a possible fine.
In February, we were able to get the case lowered to a Special
Court Martial and decided on no jury. A week before we were to go to court in
May, our JAG lawyer received a call from the Prosecution agreeing to drop a few
of the ludicrous charges that they were unwilling to drop all along (The
charges that basically seemed like they would ruin our lives). On May 9th,
we went to court. I was testifying for JM’s character and only minutes before
it began, I was told I was not allowed in the courtroom until after I testified
(I was not a happy person!). But my brother kept me calm and stayed with me in
the waiting room until it was my turn. Because the Prosecution dropped all the charges
JM was going to plead not guilty to, JM only plead guilty at court.
I was prepared for JM to head to the Brig
and our lives to change significantly after May 9th. After the Judge
made his decision, he came back to the courtroom and announced JM would be
reduced in rank. The end.
Months of turmoil, months of the unknown, months of our minds
wandering over the possibilities; we finally had closure! An end. We could see
tomorrow—together and our not-significantly-changed future was finally right in
front of us. I cannot say this often enough! Our prayer all along was Romans
8:28 “And we know that in all things
God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to
his purpose.” We had to have the faith that no matter the outcome, God was
going to make it about GOD. If JM went to the Brig, he was ready to be a
minister to the men there. If we lost the GI Bill, we were prepared to trust
God to cover our school bills. Everything is in God’s hands. I cannot speak
enough from the other end of this situation. It was hard for me to fully
believe this as this was happening, but I know for a fact that as believers, we
HAVE to trust God with everything. Our day-to-day lives,
our finances, our relationships, our situation: God knows what he’s doing and
will never put us in a place that we cannot learn and grow from and develop our
identity.
We are taking a pay-cut
because of this (hence why we are moving). We’ve wanted to move into something
more affordable anyways, but we weren’t sure if we would be able to get out of
our year lease with our apartments. But God knows what’s best for us. We found
a house for sale and asked if we could rent it for a certain price. We wanted
to move in June but we couldn’t get out of our lease and the family wasn’t
ready to move out of their house. But everything worked out both ways and now
we are able to move in and get our roots settled here. We know we’ll be here
for at least a year now and then we’ll see if we’re getting transferred.
The thing about all of this is the fact that we should always
recognize that our lives can change dramatically in an instant. We may
have our own plans and ideas for how we want our lives to play out but ultimately,
God is in control. We have to ask ourselves daily… “Am I prepared for where God
is going to take me today… in this moment?” I doubt that we can ever fully be ready,
but we can always be preparing our hearts to be in the right response when
change does come.
