On Being Honest

Most of the time it's hard to acknowledge my own failures.

I am pretty good at recognizing everyone else's.

And I am even better at pointing the blame to someone other than myself.

But only when we learn to acknowledge our own failures can we grow and change.

I am learning a lot about evaluating programs and ways of doing ministry.

But the scary part is when the evaluation is turned to my personal life.

Ever so often I go into a crisis mode when I feel like anything I am doing in my life is insufficient and I break down.

The truth:

I am terrible at following through with most things.

Most times I don't finish a book.

I don't like confrontation.

I run away from problems.

I speak before I think.

I am awful at keeping up with friends.

I assume people don't like me up front.

I read my Bible steadily for a few weeks, then don't.

Today, I had my breakdown and it is time I evaluated myself.

Here are some things I am working on:

I cannot provide for my family like I want, and that's okay.

My plans will never be as good as His.

Freely have I received God's gift and freely must I serve Him.

When there is a problem, don't point my finger, seek a solution.

I cannot run away if something isn't turning out the way I want.

My attitude really does depend on my relationship with God.

If I want to be a part of change, I need to make my own small steps toward it.

DO the things I am passionate about, even when I don't know how.

Work on finishing what I've started.
Point out the positives before the negatives.

Finding Order

This past year I've kind of been out of whack not having a job or being in school. I find it pretty hard to get motivated to do a lot of things because I'm not on a schedule. So this past week I've been doing my best to find my routine. There's a lot I do at home, but to think of all that on top of a job and eventually with kids scares me a little. I've learned that I thrive on a

schedule.

no kidding right.

But seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking when I don't have a plan. I am a procrastinator. But if I make a list and task myself, WOW, I can rock it. Most particularly, I find myself procrastinating about spending time with the Lord. This week I've really focused on my time with God. I've been missing out on a lot by shortening my time with God and not focusing on really spending significant time with him. I'm learning to find focus in reading, journaling and prayer and walking with my doggy while listening to worship music in the mornings. For me, finding order has really come from the season of lent. I've never really participated in lent, but I was challenged in church on Sunday to really prepare my heart and mind for 40 days before Easter. JM and I have agreed to spend our Tuesday lunch-time together in prayer and reading through Matthew for lent. And on top of that, I am working on finding order, routine, and schedules in my life to prepare for our up-coming changes this summer. We will be moving from a very slow and easy at home life to a busy, fast pace of life that will require a lot more time, energy and motivation. I am extremely excited but a little nervous because I have been so out of routine. I pray that in this time of lent I can find order that becomes my daily foundation. But I also want to be open and available to things that may interrupt my schedule. It's so important to not let your schedules and routines close you off to the things that may happen in the moment. 

my time with God

needs to be my 

foundation.

Nostalgia

I got back earlier this week from St. Louis. I spent the last week helping my sister and brother-n-law with baby Violet, my beautiful niece. And, in March we will get to meet #3 of babies born in the last 6 months to our family. We love being Aunt Rae Rae and Uncle JM!
I find it so interesting to look at these beautiful babies and see similarities in our genes. I stopped by my parents on the way home from MO and looked through some old photo albums... I don't have any childhood pictures! I borrowed some out of the album but haven't copied them yet, so here are some low res pictures I took with my phone from my own childhood! Beware, I do look like a cute little boy in a dress. I am the youngest, so you should be able to spot me.

A few things to note: I have the cheeks of a mammoth, I look like my mother, I love being the youngest, I love my childhood!

Listen

My reading today kind of sums up these last few months. We've been really busy. There has been a lot going on - very exciting things - but I've felt quiet spiritually and for posting on this blog especially this new year. We had an amazing time with our families over the holidays and we feel blessed in so many ways.
But when it comes to what I was feeling from God, I just haven't been sure. Together, JM and I have felt a lot of promptings for big changes for us this summer but have had no clarity as to how that would happen.

This is my understanding of Samuel 3 in response to our lives right now (specifically this week):
Now in those days, messages from the Lord were very rare, and visions were quite uncommon. - 3:1
*Rahel had not heard anything substantial from the Lord as she understands it, but knows she wants to.
The Lord called out... - 3:4
*Perhaps the Lord had been speaking to me "Rahel, Rahel"
Samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had never had a message from the Lord before - 3:7
*Rahel does not feel like she knows the Lords voice, perhaps she has never heard God directly, or she simply isn't listening.
Speak Lord, your servant is listening. - 3:9
*Here's the key. I have been uncertain of what to say. I've wanted to leave posts about God and life, but I have several drafts in my inbox I did not post. I felt it more necessary to be quiet. What does Samuel say? "your servant is LISTENING." Sometimes it's not necessary for me to speak or have something godly to say. Perhaps God has been saying, Rahel, hello, LISTEN and you'll hear my voice, my direction for you. I AM speaking to you!
I am about to do a shocking thing... - 3:11
*Rahel, listen, because I'm about to take you on a journey unexpected...

God has revealed to us very clearly this week that he is about to do something new in our lives. We've been forced to listen these last few days because we have to make a very difficult decision. Maybe instead of always trying to think of something to say, I need to start listening a lot closer. So now, it's time we really listen as God shows us what's up! I am ready to listen Lord. You got my attention!

SOMETIMES WE'RE BETTER OFF... 

Listening

FROM THE START

I knew that something was stirring in me, but I did not make enough effort to say speak Lord, I'm listening.

Josiah's Tribute Video

This video may be hard to watch for some of you that don't know the incredible story of my nephew Josiah Nathaniel. He spent is whole life (except for a few days) in the hospital as he was born with HLHS as well as some other rare heart defects. Although he never said a word, Josiah has left a huge impact in our lives and has left an amazing story that many other parents and families can relate with. I am still amazed at what his mommy and daddy did to take care of his fragile life along with our two awesome nieces. JM and I spent a lot of 2009 watching our nieces and spending our dates with Josiah in his hospital room. We happened to be in Charleston the day he went to be with Jesus on January 24th, 2010. It has been two years. I can't believe he would be a toddler right now. But the beauty in all of this is that Josiah's parents have amazing faith in God and that faith has carried our family through this extremely difficult, yet beautiful journey. Although we had Josiah for 8 months, his story will always be told.

Yesterday I was reading out of 1 Samuel 1 and the incredible mother that Hannah was. "I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life." - (1 Sam 1:27-28) Hannah was barren for a long time and in "deep anguish" and "crying bitterly," she made a vow with God - Lord, if you look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours his entire lifetime (1:10,11). After he was weaned, Hannah took Samuel to the Tabernacle to become a priest.

Now I am sure, by choice we would never want to give Josiah up, but we have to be faithful and trust that God still uses Josiah for His good will. Although his time here was short, we can tell the story of Josiah and the amazing work God is still doing because of his little life. We love him and miss him so much, but we have the incredible opportunity to continue to tell his story. There are so many parents and families out there questioning God through extremely difficult situations. But we know through Josiah that our HOPE is in Christ Jesus and that as children of God, we belong to an amazing Creator that promises His never failing love. That no matter how much pain and anguish we may feel, God can restore our hearts with joy that goes beyond just a feeling. It is a confident joy that only comes from knowing Jesus personally. Yes, there will always be hard days and times we question God, but only He can give us joy so that we can tell Josiah's story happily. Because if we speak out, we can reach out to others that face similar grief. So please, watch this video with joy in your heart, because we are confident that Josiah's heart is whole as he rests in the arms of Jesus!






For more about his story, please visit: www.thewilsonheart.com

We love you and miss you little buddy!

A Year Ago Today

A year ago, my life was rapidly changing. I was finishing my last semester of college, making last minute wedding plans, packing my life away and experiencing a lot of transitions! Here are some photos from a year ago today! I am so grateful for my education at Lee University and proud to call it my Alma Mater. I had amazing teachers, classmates, friends and an all-together unforgettable experience. After 3 semesters of nearly failing, I took 1.5 years off before transferring to Lee to start fresh. Going from nearly failing to a desire to learn, grow and succeed helped me push for my almost 4.0 average while at Lee. Too bad my grades transferred over from where I began, but I worked so hard to receive an overall college GPA of 3.2! I celebrated with my soon-to-be husband, family, teachers and friends!

President Paul Conn and his wife!

Remember When

Remember when I liked to blog?

Remember when I shared my life?

Well, I hope to get back into this. 

I just haven't been in the mood to write or say or post much lately.

I've had some ideas, but just haven't gotten to them.

So, I'd like to catch up on the last month or so. 

Do you mind?

Remember when we went to Edisto for the Smith family reunion and watched the sunrise?

Remember when I made from scratch biscuits and we had breakfast for dinner?

Remember when we started our fireplace for the first time this fall? Java got scared!

Remember when I made yummy snicker doodles for the first time ever?

Remember when Java realized she liked snuggles by the fire?

Remember when we had trick-or-treaters?

And I added lights to the window.

Remember when Java's face was so smooshed?

Remember when he bought me flowers?

Remember when we bought our space heater because our fireplace is too expensive! And now it's Java's favorite spot!

Remember when I cut bangs for the first time in 5 years? If Zoey can...